Verdict: Hahahahaha! (wipes tear) Oh, you were serious?

Well, this movie starts with Air Force One flying over the Bermuda Triangle and goes downhill from there. The President (John Savage) has long hair and jokes around about both the Bermuda Triangle and his long hair… and that’s pretty much the first minute of the movie. A freak storm suddenly comes out of nowhere and lightning strikes one engine. Apparently, a random flight attendant is in charge and knows more about modern avionics than anyone because she immediately screams, “We need to evacuate you now Mr. President!” Because, you know, one lightning hit is apparently all Air Force One can withstand. Secret Service and top brass generals leap to the random flight attendant’s demand and scramble the President to an underwater escape pod. Instead of just diverting the plane to Florida at an altitude that would suffice gliding right in, Air Force One maintains current course and altitude which means the President has to visit Davy Jones’ Locker in a capsule that has a crush depth of 25,000 feet, enough food for seven days and a .45 caliber pistol with 100 rounds of ammunition.

I’m not making this up!

Air Force one completely explodes from that one lightning strike on the engine and the escape pod jettisons, but not before the President shouts to everyone “Save yourselves!” It was right about here that I realized I had two full minutes invested in this movie. But this is what you pay me for, right? Seeing these movies so you don’t have to!

Enter our heroes, an elite soldiering force of kids who look like they got their fatigues at The Gap walking slowly and proudly off a helicopter that just landed on a random Navy ship. After the deck is hosed down with official nautical garbledygook and militaryish twaddlespeak, laced with a few “Yes sirs!” our boyscout heroes are off to rescue the President from the unmerciful depths.

The ship’s skipper, Admiral Linda Hansen (a rather rough looking Linda Hamilton) who has experience fighting terminators and shit, calls the shots. I will give her this, when first meeting our high school glee club heroes, she gives them a once over as if she’s about to burst into laughter. I don’t think I could have held the laughter back, so I admire her for that. Give that woman an award or something!

She is in charge of the mission to bring the President back, but not before several mile-high tentacles surface and position themselves around each ship present and accounted for. Keep in mind, we’re still in the Bermuda Triangle here. Enter Dr. Zimmer (a bearded Jamie Kennedy… wait. Jamie Kennedy?? Seriously??) a biologist who is aboard the flagship for some reason and even has his own lab. You’ll be able to tell who he is, he’s the one who starts chattering in scientific jargon and can almost immediately identify the tentacles as “tube worms, but with a very extravagant embodiment that seem to possess some sort of bio-electric genesis which is contrary to any of the species in its respective phylum.”

To which the admiral shoots him the look you see in the picture above. I’m not kidding, I screen-shot this just so you can see her expression! It’s like, “Wtf?”

Yeah, I would have looked at him about that way too.

This entire movie is a baked July-deposited cowpie slathered with extra thick, government cheese topped military jargon that would make even the most gung ho marine remove his cover and scratch his head in confusion. If your eyes just glazed over with that last sentence, my eyes literally glazed over throughout most of this flick… which actually helped blur the atrocious movie makeup everyone had on. The blur, oddly, made it more realistic.

If you’re still reading this, 1) I applaud you because you have more patience than I do and 2) the plot so far is that the President’s still at the bottom of the ocean (I can’t believe I just typed that) and there are giant indestructible bio-electric genesii tubeworms blocking the way to him.

If you’re looking for a rompy, barely acted, half assed attempt at a movie andSharktopus Vs. Dinocroc isn’t available, aaaand it’s raining outside, aaaaaaaaand you have no vacuuming to do… this might be your movie.